Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize