She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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