I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
