my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
