I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
