she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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