all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
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That accounts for only three of the penises
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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