I'm gonna have a badass scar
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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