I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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