Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Randomize
