a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
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um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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