Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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