I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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