I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How many fucks given?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies