Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.