I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow