My underwear smells like fireworks.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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