I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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