you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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