If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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