So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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