...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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