Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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