Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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