So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
