stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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