paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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