so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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