Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
