Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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