We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
