She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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