Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
