Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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