Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
