1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
