I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
