I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
