And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
