did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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