tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
