not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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