he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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