New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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