okay pat passed out under dana's car
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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