out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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