Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
