When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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