I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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