new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
