oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
