Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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