i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
