He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
