Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
