So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
