She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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