i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
