y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He felt like a one man threesome
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
